My New Sport

I like to consider grocery shopping with small children my new sport. It provides mental and physical challenges beyond anything I had ever known in my pre-baby life. After several years of practice and more tantrums and unbelievably mortifying moments than I care to remember; I try to approach it these days with a BRING IT ON attitude and, as "luck favors the prepared", well equipped. But you know, I think what really draws me to this particular activity is (besides the actual necessity) the unpredictability on any given day.
WILL THERE BE POOP INVOLVED?
My first horrific shopping experience, I think, was when Max was a still a baby. It was summer so he was just wearing a onsie and I was carrying him in the Bjorn. Everything was going smoothly and I had almost finished with the produce section when, *whooppppshhhhh*!!!!! he pooped. I tried to remain calm...hoping it was contained...but it wasn't. The poop had, of course, blown out and was already dripping on the floor. As a rookie shopper-with-kids, I didn't even have a tissue on me. So, I did the only thing that seemed reasonable at the time: I clamped off the poopy spout with my hand, picked up my purse and ran back to the car. To this day, I never EVER go anywhere without wipes! Right, Kelley?
DO I HAVE ORANGE LOLLIPOPS IN MY PURSE?
For a while, when Alex was only weeks old, I would bribe Max with a lollipop and I would try to fly through the store before he was done with it (it was the only way I could get him to sit in the cart-he was a wreck waiting to happen when he wasn't strapped in). It lasted for a couple of trips until he realized he could bite them. Then I started giving him two. Then I bought bigger ones. Now, we usually end up opening a bag of Pirate's Booty and, if I'm fast, it gets us through. Speaking of fast, I had to do away with the whole coupon thing. I know, I know...where's the challenge if you're not trying to quickly match extremely specific coupons with products that don't even exist on the shelves while bouncing a baby in the Bjorn and responding to your little dictators' demands. I almost spontaneously combusted one day trying to do just that and then, in the end, I forgot to give the cashier all of those damn wadded up pieces of paper. The bastards can keep their 45 cents.
ARE THE CAR CARTS AVAILABLE?
If I'm on a super lucky streak (ha, ha, ha), King Soopers will have an empty car cart for us to use. Shame on all of you who have ever looked at a woman trying to steer one of them around the corners with scorn! Seriously, the behemoths should at least have mirrors. Just to mess with people, I like to pull U-turns down the middle of the aisles. (I've actually even had a couple of compliments on my maneuvering skills.) Those beasts are the most ridiculously evil and useful contraptions EVER! I swear though once you use them you can never go back. The kids don't forget and you will pay dearly if you try to shop without them. Max is pretty good walking on his own these days, although it provides for a much edgier experience. He likes to walk within inches of the front of the cart lately. (I actually knocked him over today because I just don't have that kind of wherewithal these days and well, because he wouldn't get out of my freakin' way)! Also, when he's free, the produce gets extremely bruised. He insists on picking it out and throwing it into the basket no matter how many times I tell him to be gentle.
WILL THEY HAVE AN ORANGE STRING FOR THE ORANGE BALLOON?
To date this is my most harrowing shopping experience:
I think this was last Fall...Max was almost 3 and Alex almost 1... It was the afternoon...we had been out and about and I needed to run into the store to buy some milk. I know it's a cardinal rule to never shop with your children in the afternoon, before they've napped, but I felt like testing it for some reason. Big mistake. I was still carrying Alex in the Bjorn so we got a cart for Max (I forget about a car cart). I put him in and strapped him in (or so I thought) and away we went. I remembered I also need some eye wash solution (for my pink-eye-pussy eyes...lovely, I know) and while I was trying to read the labels (how stupid am I?) Max calls out, "MOMMY, LOOK AT ME!" He's standing on the bar you use to push the cart - ready to launch! I quickly catch him since he was already commited and then realize that the straps were broken. Slightly distressed I just grab a bottle and decide he can help me push.

He insists on pushing the cart ALL BY HIMSELF which translates into pushing it into all of the neatly stacked shelves...and people ("I'm so sorry. Please excuse us. Max, honey, be careful and watch where you're going. I'm so sorry...")...all at a tortuously slow pace...every time I so much as try to put my hand on the cart he yells, NOOOO!!!! then bends over to assume trantrum on the floor position. Since the milk's on the opposite end of the store, it's a long journey. We finally get the milk and then he reminds me that he needs his orange balloon. I had already promised him one in the car, so I felt the need to follow through. Right. Balloon. That's on the other side of the store again. Here we go...all the way back...same damn thing.

We finally make it to the balloon stand...order the orange balloon...watch it expand...and then, oh, NO..."What color string would you like? "Orange." "They don't have orange, Max. How about red or yellow? Those are nice colors." "No. I want orange." I takes at least five minutes to convince him to go with red and we are all set to leave (though he's still pretty uspet about it) when the balloon lady insists that Alex have one too. All of this INSISTING!!!! I say, "No, really, that's okay." But then Alex starts to fuss so I say, "Fine. Thank you." "What color string would she like?" Ha. "RED! THANKS."

Right, so with red balloon and string flapping in front of my face I try to corral Max and head to the checkout islands. Max has other ideas. He starts running up and down the aisles with his balloon sailing behind...laughing, "Look at me, Mommy! My balloon is chasing me." I'm trying to catch him in my completely ridiculously withered state and somehow I do. We finally make it to the cashier. As I'm paying he realizes that he didn't get to ride in a car cart... Sh*t! ...and he wants to redo the whole experience in one. At just about the time he drops to the floor, Alex really starts to lose it. I manage to get him back on his feet by promising a horse ride. So he rides the horse and rides the horse and, of course, doesn't want get off. All patience has left my body. "We have to go, NOW." "Okay, okay!"...like I"ve been rushing him through this little milk run. We are ALMOST out the door when he spots (how could he not) these nifty coloring magazines...just at his level. "OH, what's this, Mommy? Oh, I really like this. I want this. Can I just sit here and read it?" Alex is now screaming. "No, Max, I'm sorry. It's time to go." The tantrum of all tantrums erupts. I scoop him up off of the floor and with Alex in the Bjorn, Max on one side kicking-flailing about-screaming, balloons billowing in front of my face... an hour after we walked in...I push the cart and exit the building towards our car. I surely look no less than a walking disaster and one man confirms it as he sincerely offers his help (although you can tell by his voice he has no idea what he would do). I politely decline and tell him I've got it covered. Ha.

Shopping is so boring without them now.