By Max.He is currently in this 'Spiraling Inward to Create a Puddle of Paint' Period. He wanted to use orange, but it was all gone and the orangish-red has been mixed so many times that it is now brown.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Untitled
By Max.He is currently in this 'Spiraling Inward to Create a Puddle of Paint' Period. He wanted to use orange, but it was all gone and the orangish-red has been mixed so many times that it is now brown.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
My New Sport
I like to consider grocery shopping with small children my new sport. It provides mental and physical challenges beyond anything I had ever known in my pre-baby life. After several years of practice and more tantrums and unbelievably mortifying moments than I care to remember; I try to approach it these days with a BRING IT ON attitude and, as "luck favors the prepared", well equipped. But you know, I think what really draws me to this particular activity is (besides the actual necessity) the unpredictability on any given day.
WILL THERE BE POOP INVOLVED?
My first horrific shopping experience, I think, was when Max was a still a baby. It was summer so he was just wearing a onsie and I was carrying him in the Bjorn. Everything was going smoothly and I had almost finished with the produce section when, *whooppppshhhhh*!!!!! he pooped. I tried to remain calm...hoping it was contained...but it wasn't. The poop had, of course, blown out and was already dripping on the floor. As a rookie shopper-with-kids, I didn't even have a tissue on me. So, I did the only thing that seemed reasonable at the time: I clamped off the poopy spout with my hand, picked up my purse and ran back to the car. To this day, I never EVER go anywhere without wipes! Right, Kelley?
DO I HAVE ORANGE LOLLIPOPS IN MY PURSE?
For a while, when Alex was only weeks old, I would bribe Max with a lollipop and I would try to fly through the store before he was done with it (it was the only way I could get him to sit in the cart-he was a wreck waiting to happen when he wasn't strapped in). It lasted for a couple of trips until he realized he could bite them. Then I started giving him two. Then I bought bigger ones. Now, we usually end up opening a bag of Pirate's Booty and, if I'm fast, it gets us through. Speaking of fast, I had to do away with the whole coupon thing. I know, I know...where's the challenge if you're not trying to quickly match extremely specific coupons with products that don't even exist on the shelves while bouncing a baby in the Bjorn and responding to your little dictators' demands. I almost spontaneously combusted one day trying to do just that and then, in the end, I forgot to give the cashier all of those damn wadded up pieces of paper. The bastards can keep their 45 cents.
ARE THE CAR CARTS AVAILABLE?
If I'm on a super lucky streak (ha, ha, ha), King Soopers will have an empty car cart for us to use. Shame on all of you who have ever looked at a woman trying to steer one of them around the corners with scorn! Seriously, the behemoths should at least have mirrors. Just to mess with people, I like to pull U-turns down the middle of the aisles. (I've actually even had a couple of compliments on my maneuvering skills.) Those beasts are the most ridiculously evil and useful contraptions EVER! I swear though once you use them you can never go back. The kids don't forget and you will pay dearly if you try to shop without them. Max is pretty good walking on his own these days, although it provides for a much edgier experience. He likes to walk within inches of the front of the cart lately. (I actually knocked him over today because I just don't have that kind of wherewithal these days and well, because he wouldn't get out of my freakin' way)! Also, when he's free, the produce gets extremely bruised. He insists on picking it out and throwing it into the basket no matter how many times I tell him to be gentle.
WILL THEY HAVE AN ORANGE STRING FOR THE ORANGE BALLOON?
To date this is my most harrowing shopping experience:
I think this was last Fall...Max was almost 3 and Alex almost 1... It was the afternoon...we had been out and about and I needed to run into the store to buy some milk. I know it's a cardinal rule to never shop with your children in the afternoon, before they've napped, but I felt like testing it for some reason. Big mistake. I was still carrying Alex in the Bjorn so we got a cart for Max (I forget about a car cart). I put him in and strapped him in (or so I thought) and away we went. I remembered I also need some eye wash solution (for my pink-eye-pussy eyes...lovely, I know) and while I was trying to read the labels (how stupid am I?) Max calls out, "MOMMY, LOOK AT ME!" He's standing on the bar you use to push the cart - ready to launch! I quickly catch him since he was already commited and then realize that the straps were broken. Slightly distressed I just grab a bottle and decide he can help me push.
He insists on pushing the cart ALL BY HIMSELF which translates into pushing it into all of the neatly stacked shelves...and people ("I'm so sorry. Please excuse us. Max, honey, be careful and watch where you're going. I'm so sorry...")...all at a tortuously slow pace...every time I so much as try to put my hand on the cart he yells, NOOOO!!!! then bends over to assume trantrum on the floor position. Since the milk's on the opposite end of the store, it's a long journey. We finally get the milk and then he reminds me that he needs his orange balloon. I had already promised him one in the car, so I felt the need to follow through. Right. Balloon. That's on the other side of the store again. Here we go...all the way back...same damn thing.
We finally make it to the balloon stand...order the orange balloon...watch it expand...and then, oh, NO..."What color string would you like? "Orange." "They don't have orange, Max. How about red or yellow? Those are nice colors." "No. I want orange." I takes at least five minutes to convince him to go with red and we are all set to leave (though he's still pretty uspet about it) when the balloon lady insists that Alex have one too. All of this INSISTING!!!! I say, "No, really, that's okay." But then Alex starts to fuss so I say, "Fine. Thank you." "What color string would she like?" Ha. "RED! THANKS."
Right, so with red balloon and string flapping in front of my face I try to corral Max and head to the checkout islands. Max has other ideas. He starts running up and down the aisles with his balloon sailing behind...laughing, "Look at me, Mommy! My balloon is chasing me." I'm trying to catch him in my completely ridiculously withered state and somehow I do. We finally make it to the cashier. As I'm paying he realizes that he didn't get to ride in a car cart... Sh*t! ...and he wants to redo the whole experience in one. At just about the time he drops to the floor, Alex really starts to lose it. I manage to get him back on his feet by promising a horse ride. So he rides the horse and rides the horse and, of course, doesn't want get off. All patience has left my body. "We have to go, NOW." "Okay, okay!"...like I"ve been rushing him through this little milk run. We are ALMOST out the door when he spots (how could he not) these nifty coloring magazines...just at his level. "OH, what's this, Mommy? Oh, I really like this. I want this. Can I just sit here and read it?" Alex is now screaming. "No, Max, I'm sorry. It's time to go." The tantrum of all tantrums erupts. I scoop him up off of the floor and with Alex in the Bjorn, Max on one side kicking-flailing about-screaming, balloons billowing in front of my face... an hour after we walked in...I push the cart and exit the building towards our car. I surely look no less than a walking disaster and one man confirms it as he sincerely offers his help (although you can tell by his voice he has no idea what he would do). I politely decline and tell him I've got it covered. Ha.
Shopping is so boring without them now.
WILL THERE BE POOP INVOLVED?
My first horrific shopping experience, I think, was when Max was a still a baby. It was summer so he was just wearing a onsie and I was carrying him in the Bjorn. Everything was going smoothly and I had almost finished with the produce section when, *whooppppshhhhh*!!!!! he pooped. I tried to remain calm...hoping it was contained...but it wasn't. The poop had, of course, blown out and was already dripping on the floor. As a rookie shopper-with-kids, I didn't even have a tissue on me. So, I did the only thing that seemed reasonable at the time: I clamped off the poopy spout with my hand, picked up my purse and ran back to the car. To this day, I never EVER go anywhere without wipes! Right, Kelley?
DO I HAVE ORANGE LOLLIPOPS IN MY PURSE?
For a while, when Alex was only weeks old, I would bribe Max with a lollipop and I would try to fly through the store before he was done with it (it was the only way I could get him to sit in the cart-he was a wreck waiting to happen when he wasn't strapped in). It lasted for a couple of trips until he realized he could bite them. Then I started giving him two. Then I bought bigger ones. Now, we usually end up opening a bag of Pirate's Booty and, if I'm fast, it gets us through. Speaking of fast, I had to do away with the whole coupon thing. I know, I know...where's the challenge if you're not trying to quickly match extremely specific coupons with products that don't even exist on the shelves while bouncing a baby in the Bjorn and responding to your little dictators' demands. I almost spontaneously combusted one day trying to do just that and then, in the end, I forgot to give the cashier all of those damn wadded up pieces of paper. The bastards can keep their 45 cents.
ARE THE CAR CARTS AVAILABLE?
If I'm on a super lucky streak (ha, ha, ha), King Soopers will have an empty car cart for us to use. Shame on all of you who have ever looked at a woman trying to steer one of them around the corners with scorn! Seriously, the behemoths should at least have mirrors. Just to mess with people, I like to pull U-turns down the middle of the aisles. (I've actually even had a couple of compliments on my maneuvering skills.) Those beasts are the most ridiculously evil and useful contraptions EVER! I swear though once you use them you can never go back. The kids don't forget and you will pay dearly if you try to shop without them. Max is pretty good walking on his own these days, although it provides for a much edgier experience. He likes to walk within inches of the front of the cart lately. (I actually knocked him over today because I just don't have that kind of wherewithal these days and well, because he wouldn't get out of my freakin' way)! Also, when he's free, the produce gets extremely bruised. He insists on picking it out and throwing it into the basket no matter how many times I tell him to be gentle.
WILL THEY HAVE AN ORANGE STRING FOR THE ORANGE BALLOON?
To date this is my most harrowing shopping experience:
I think this was last Fall...Max was almost 3 and Alex almost 1... It was the afternoon...we had been out and about and I needed to run into the store to buy some milk. I know it's a cardinal rule to never shop with your children in the afternoon, before they've napped, but I felt like testing it for some reason. Big mistake. I was still carrying Alex in the Bjorn so we got a cart for Max (I forget about a car cart). I put him in and strapped him in (or so I thought) and away we went. I remembered I also need some eye wash solution (for my pink-eye-pussy eyes...lovely, I know) and while I was trying to read the labels (how stupid am I?) Max calls out, "MOMMY, LOOK AT ME!" He's standing on the bar you use to push the cart - ready to launch! I quickly catch him since he was already commited and then realize that the straps were broken. Slightly distressed I just grab a bottle and decide he can help me push.
He insists on pushing the cart ALL BY HIMSELF which translates into pushing it into all of the neatly stacked shelves...and people ("I'm so sorry. Please excuse us. Max, honey, be careful and watch where you're going. I'm so sorry...")...all at a tortuously slow pace...every time I so much as try to put my hand on the cart he yells, NOOOO!!!! then bends over to assume trantrum on the floor position. Since the milk's on the opposite end of the store, it's a long journey. We finally get the milk and then he reminds me that he needs his orange balloon. I had already promised him one in the car, so I felt the need to follow through. Right. Balloon. That's on the other side of the store again. Here we go...all the way back...same damn thing.
We finally make it to the balloon stand...order the orange balloon...watch it expand...and then, oh, NO..."What color string would you like? "Orange." "They don't have orange, Max. How about red or yellow? Those are nice colors." "No. I want orange." I takes at least five minutes to convince him to go with red and we are all set to leave (though he's still pretty uspet about it) when the balloon lady insists that Alex have one too. All of this INSISTING!!!! I say, "No, really, that's okay." But then Alex starts to fuss so I say, "Fine. Thank you." "What color string would she like?" Ha. "RED! THANKS."
Right, so with red balloon and string flapping in front of my face I try to corral Max and head to the checkout islands. Max has other ideas. He starts running up and down the aisles with his balloon sailing behind...laughing, "Look at me, Mommy! My balloon is chasing me." I'm trying to catch him in my completely ridiculously withered state and somehow I do. We finally make it to the cashier. As I'm paying he realizes that he didn't get to ride in a car cart... Sh*t! ...and he wants to redo the whole experience in one. At just about the time he drops to the floor, Alex really starts to lose it. I manage to get him back on his feet by promising a horse ride. So he rides the horse and rides the horse and, of course, doesn't want get off. All patience has left my body. "We have to go, NOW." "Okay, okay!"...like I"ve been rushing him through this little milk run. We are ALMOST out the door when he spots (how could he not) these nifty coloring magazines...just at his level. "OH, what's this, Mommy? Oh, I really like this. I want this. Can I just sit here and read it?" Alex is now screaming. "No, Max, I'm sorry. It's time to go." The tantrum of all tantrums erupts. I scoop him up off of the floor and with Alex in the Bjorn, Max on one side kicking-flailing about-screaming, balloons billowing in front of my face... an hour after we walked in...I push the cart and exit the building towards our car. I surely look no less than a walking disaster and one man confirms it as he sincerely offers his help (although you can tell by his voice he has no idea what he would do). I politely decline and tell him I've got it covered. Ha.
Shopping is so boring without them now.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
The M Word
In the past couple of days Max has started calling us MOM and DAD. Actually, it's more like Mooom and Daaaad! He really draws it out. I can't speak for Dan, but it freaks me out - and quite honestly - makes me a bit sad. I thought I was going to be MOMMY for at least another year or two. I don't know. I don't feel like a Mom yet. It took me a long time to get used to Mommy.
In my very foggy and sleep deprived mind MOMs are like organized, experienced offense players in outfits that match... and they do A LOT of driving...their deodorants work...the kids are super scheduled with school and activities...there is chaos, but it's managed...problems can be discussed...bribes are actually effective.
MOMMYs are pretty much entrenched in the field of damage control and they do A LOT of serious heavy lifting...there are always diapers to clean and leaky ones to curse...mitigating meltdowns often means fixing broken bananas with toothpicks - or more heavy lifting with lots of kisses...few things are scheduled (getting of the house before 9am takes major effort and usually a bit of yelling)... and daily showering is a bit of a luxury (as is blogging).
Perhaps it's just a short phase and he's trying it out just like, "You're a pookie, pokie, pookie!" But this is what I fear might be next:
"MOOOOM, can you please zip up my pants and also I can't do the snap!!!" and I'll say, "Can you just try it yourself? I'll help you after I finish changing Alex's diaper if you still don't have it!" Then he'll say, "Jeez, MOM, don't be such a hard ass! I told you I can't do it!"
Oh, Mommy, it's just a name. I know, right?
In my very foggy and sleep deprived mind MOMs are like organized, experienced offense players in outfits that match... and they do A LOT of driving...their deodorants work...the kids are super scheduled with school and activities...there is chaos, but it's managed...problems can be discussed...bribes are actually effective.
MOMMYs are pretty much entrenched in the field of damage control and they do A LOT of serious heavy lifting...there are always diapers to clean and leaky ones to curse...mitigating meltdowns often means fixing broken bananas with toothpicks - or more heavy lifting with lots of kisses...few things are scheduled (getting of the house before 9am takes major effort and usually a bit of yelling)... and daily showering is a bit of a luxury (as is blogging).
Perhaps it's just a short phase and he's trying it out just like, "You're a pookie, pokie, pookie!" But this is what I fear might be next:
"MOOOOM, can you please zip up my pants and also I can't do the snap!!!" and I'll say, "Can you just try it yourself? I'll help you after I finish changing Alex's diaper if you still don't have it!" Then he'll say, "Jeez, MOM, don't be such a hard ass! I told you I can't do it!"
Oh, Mommy, it's just a name. I know, right?
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Alex is FINALLY Walking!
-camping one summer with Marla and family-This was just sent to me recently and knowing how much it will make some of you laugh...I felt it my duty to share. You can double click on it for a larger, fuzzier version and yes!, that is a Morris T-shirt I'm wearing. The really funny part about this picture (I'm told) is that I still cross logs in a similar fashion these days (no pun intended). Enjoy!
Now, on to business. This is a conversation I recently overheard between Dan and Max:
D: Do you have to pee, Max?
M: No!
D: Then why are you dancing around? I think you need to pee.
M: No, I don't.
(More of the same and Dan finally convinces him to go.)
D: See, Max, you did need to go. Why did you keep saying NO?
M: You said YES. That's because why!
Alex bit the crap out of Max's finger last night. He was sweetly feeding her a cheese bunny...when all of the sudden...*!*. She left a dent and everything. Poor guy was severely traumatized. I bet. Her teeth are wicked sharp. I didn't say anything, but after the day she had had with him (enduring several shoves, a kick, some insanely annoying head tappings, many steam rollers, at least five true squashings, and being held back, against her will, more times than I know) .....I thought to myself, yep, that's about right. There's a wild animal behind that precious facade.
I think he's quite frightened of her new skill. She'll be barreling towards him and he'll just start screaming, "Mommy, Alex is coming!!!! Get her!" Oiya Vay! I love watching Alex walk. She feels the power in each step quite deeply....and the look on her face is so beautiful....such pride. I just love it! She was even Dancing with the Stars last night...feelin' the beat of the rumba...adorable . Max really likes to dance too when we watch that show...we all get up and shake our tushes.
We made our bi-monthly trip to the library today. This is usually how the library unfolds: Shhh!, Max! This is the library. We have to be quiet. Use your little voice. Ya, right, whatever. (Alex is immitating me shushing...unbelievably cute!...she likes the 'Old Lady Whispering Hush' in GOODNIGHT MOON.) I start pulling out books that look interesting and Max tells me after each one that he doesn't like that one. He leaves to find the train puzzle and yells over to me when he finds it. Shhhh! Alex wriggles down, and with a giggle, starts pulling out all of the books she can get her hands on. I frantically start trying to put them back where they belong, but I can't even think straight enough to alphabetize because Alex has moved onto the next row. (WHY, DIDN'T I BRING THE STROLLER?) I collect Alex and stash her in a big chair with an oversized Paddington. She's delighted for all of 30 seconds which buys me just enough time to snatch a random selection from the shelves and announce that it's time to leave. Wow. What an... uh... inspiring trip! Out of the random sampling Max usually really likes 2 or 3. Not bad, eh?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
CLEVER ART or CRAP ?
Woohoo! Two in a row. I'm on a blog-post-roll. Music class makes Alex very sleepy. It's the one morning she takes a nap now. I really miss the two-nap days...This is my latest 'be your own artist' creation. I'm trying to frugally fill the massive wall space in our home with something other than nothing. It's a fine line between crafty crap and well, something that looks fairly artistic. I think I'm still on the line. Dan helped me with this one. It's just glass beads glued onto canvas. (Tip: You don't need much Gorilla Glue.) I wanted a whimsical, random look to it and he orchestrated the disorder...is that art imitating life? Anyway, I'd like to try copper sheets on canvas next. I'm not exactly sure how...but it's a good way to use up material that's been sitting in my craft box for years.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Greener Grass
GOOD LORD! How the hell do I minimize these margins? It really irritates me. It's almost been a month since I've posted anything. I feel compelled to put something down; although everyone has probably stopped checking to see if there's anything new by now. By the way, if anyone is left, you don't have to be registered to make comments anymore...in case that barrier was a bit much. Let it rip!
Dan is out of town for a couple of days. I can't be sure who is in charge. All I know is that I felt like putting the kids to bed at 6 tonight. "But it's still light out, Mommy." Curtains don't fool them anymore. I've never had a reason to dislike the increasing daylight before. But, damn the day feels sooooo long when there's no diversion walking through the door right about the time you really feel like walking out.
Anyway. I think there should be rules for phone conversations between spouses during such times. First of all, calls should be kept to a minimum...like once a day just to make sure everyone is okay. Mad dashes through the house (to find the phone before my 3 year old secretary gets it) just to hear he didn't sleep well in his hotel room really piss me off. This leads to the second rule: The one who gets to fly away, loses all whining privledges. Seriously, at this point in my life he could tell me he was stuck on a grounded airplane for 8 hours and I would still be envious. The reading I could do!!!! Thirdly, the one left at home should only discuss matters of real importance....like how much Alex is walking everywhere...and that, at one point today Max declared that he believes in stars - and he likes rockets - and then he requested that we sing ARE YOU SLEEPING? together at least 50 times. I totally suck at rule number three. And lastly, the business traveler should admit how nice it is to get away...even while working.
Dan is out of town for a couple of days. I can't be sure who is in charge. All I know is that I felt like putting the kids to bed at 6 tonight. "But it's still light out, Mommy." Curtains don't fool them anymore. I've never had a reason to dislike the increasing daylight before. But, damn the day feels sooooo long when there's no diversion walking through the door right about the time you really feel like walking out.
Anyway. I think there should be rules for phone conversations between spouses during such times. First of all, calls should be kept to a minimum...like once a day just to make sure everyone is okay. Mad dashes through the house (to find the phone before my 3 year old secretary gets it) just to hear he didn't sleep well in his hotel room really piss me off. This leads to the second rule: The one who gets to fly away, loses all whining privledges. Seriously, at this point in my life he could tell me he was stuck on a grounded airplane for 8 hours and I would still be envious. The reading I could do!!!! Thirdly, the one left at home should only discuss matters of real importance....like how much Alex is walking everywhere...and that, at one point today Max declared that he believes in stars - and he likes rockets - and then he requested that we sing ARE YOU SLEEPING? together at least 50 times. I totally suck at rule number three. And lastly, the business traveler should admit how nice it is to get away...even while working.
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