I'm trying so hard to not raise an asshole.

But there are times when I can't help but feel that the genetics are so not in my favor.

Like when I ask him to put the toilet seat down and he responds with WELL, I HAD TO PUT IT UP!

When he demands food service while he lounges on the couch in front of the TV.

Or when he doubts my math skills - okay, that one might be warranted - because I really don't hold a candle to his ridiculous Rainman abilities.

Even when we're driving - he will sometimes tell me he's sure I don't know where I'm going or that he doesn't think I'm driving properly.

And then there are these kinds of situations... that leave me in utter disbelief and entirely speechless:

I was working in the garden this morning; basking in the warmth of the sun and relishing the peace and quiet. Max woke up and came out to fined me - on my hands and knees - pulling weeds. HEY MOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Hey Sweetie. I'm pulling weeds. CAN I HELP? Sure! So I keep pulling weeds and he continues to stand over me. Then, instead of just watching or actually helping, he starts barking orders at me. THERE'S SOME OVER THERE! GO GET THOSE OVER THERE! MOM, YOU MISSED SOME HERE! COME GET THESE HERE! OH! I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT ALL OF THAT ONE! THAT ONE'S GOING TO GROW BACK. YOU SHOULD TRY TO GET THE WHOLE WEED NEXT TIME!!!! YOU HAVE TO PULL MORE SLOWLY! WOW! THERE ARE A LOT OF WEEDS HERE! THIS IS REALLY GOING TO TAKE YOU A LONG TIME. YOU SHOULD GO FASTER, MOM!

I bite my lip and stifle the screaming voice in my head, "IF I NEEDED THAT KIND OF HELP, CHILD, I WOULD STILL BE MARRIED!"

Seriously. "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" is actually encoded.

Summer Camp

Last week the kids went to an "Outdoor Adventure Day Camp" everyday up in Boulder. Each day they participated in a different outdoor sport: hiking, mountain biking, kayaking, climbing, canoeing. I tried hard not to be jealous! AND on top of those activities, they practiced yoga, made music, played games, did origami, and created a whole lot of very crafty things! This was the scene each day when I picked them up... after about 2 minutes of driving... the sure sign of a most excellent day.

College tuition fund or Adventure Day Camp? Totally a no brainer.

Sunday Morning

"How are the kids doing?", everyone asks. I don't really know how to answer. I don't really know. They seem to be handling it fairly well so far, although it's hard to tell. If I push my guilt aside long enough to get a clear view, they seem pretty well adjusted. But when they have certain issues and moments, it's difficult to assess the source and I have to fight my natural tendency to accept the blame.
Max has definitely chosen to focus on the positive aspects of the situation: he likes having two rooms, different toys at each house, and TWO TV'S! For the most part he still handles everything with his normal confidence and exuberance. Yet there are times when he crumbles so easily - he overwhelmed with a lot of emotions. There's a distance and a maturity in his eyes when he looks at me. A bit of his pure, innocence has been stolen by circumstances beyond his control. He's definitely got a lot of questions he's not even sure how to ask... I really try to create a space for him to say or do what is necessary. It brings me immense joy when I see him smile like this these days. Not that it's so unusual for him to do so, but I don't take it for granted like I use to.
It's a bit more difficult to tell with Alex. There are days when I can tell that it all seems very natural to her... and then there are days where I feel her struggling with sadness and confusion. I've tried to create space for her to express herself as well. This was the purpose of the Fairy Garden - in a more literal sense. She loves to sit next to it... and collect bugs.
Lately, she has been collecting the isopods she finds and has made a home for them in a plastic container she keeps by her bed. Everyday she checks on them and rearranges their house. She was giving them a complete remodel this morning.

I see these little people handling this situation with such courage and compassion - they have taught me so much about how to live life. I'd like to think that I'm teaching them some good things as well: how to find the beauty and worthiness in this imperfect world - in themselves, to love and honor themselves, to ask for what they need, and to do what is necessary to preserve their truth. But, honestly, I think they already know these things. I think they're going to be just fine...

My Little Clementine

Today was Alex's dress rehearsal for her ballet Spring Showcase on Sunday. It was a stressful two hours of prep for her two minutes onstage; but it was definitely worth it!

Let's begin with the mandated bun. Each time I touched her thin, fine, not-really-long-enough-for-a-bun hair - to goop it up or strap it down with a pin - it brought her to tears. I had to use A LOT of pins - couldn't find any hairnets! She was very brave and loved it when it was finished - which was a huge relief. It could have easily gone the other way - I kept imagining lots of frustration and flying pins. I am incredibly proud of this masterpiece...
Next there was the make-up, which she insisted on having since Miss Alyissa mentioned that it was a good idea to wear it. Once she got over the disappointment that I didn't have any glittery eyeshadow it went pretty smoothly. She REALLY likes wearing make-up and favors the 'more is better' approach!

And finally... the costume. All I can say is that she's absolutely not a fan of tights right now. She's not even a fan of underwear. So there were a lot more tears (from her) and begging and pleading (from me) - to please hurry - everyone's waiting for you - look! all of the other girls have their tights on and they're so happy! - please get up off the floor - you can take them off right away after you're done - it's just for a few minutes - can you just please try it - maybe it won't feel as bad as you think? - do you just want to go home? - it's such a great color isn't it? - if you really don't want to wear it we'll just go home - I think you'll have lots of fun if you give it a chance. So... about 10 minutes of that and somehow I eventually convince her to put it on. She's still crying and I'm trying not to cry at this point also. When we left the dressing room she noticed all of the 'good luck' lipstick kisses on the wall and they made her laugh. Then, as she joined her other Clementines, she immediately started giggling and playing with them.

Drama? What drama?

She was fabulous in her performance and said she really liked being on stage. It was so much fun to watch her. Now we're at home... and those hideous tights and that scratchy tutu... "I will NOT take them off. I love them!"

A Soft Place to Fall

I am so grateful for this new house. Every morning I wake up to new flowers somewhere in the yard. A few weeks ago the large lilac bushes out back started blooming and the air has been filled with their fragrance every since. It's heavenly! I haven't felt this way in a very long time, so I couldn't really put my finger on it for awhile, but it's become pretty clear recently. This place feels like home.

KINA'OLE

Doing the right thing in the right way, at the right time, in the right place, to the right person, for the right reason, with the right feeling, the first time.

I have no idea.

This Fairy Garden was supposed to be for Alex - and we were supposed to build it together - but I became some obsessed freak and pushed her out of the way the moment she tried to put the house in the wrong spot.

Honestly, I'm telling you, her ideas lacked any base in reality.

Don't judge me.

You have no idea how hard it is to share the vision of some imaginary dwelling for some imaginary little people that may, or may not fly...

Listen. She can play with it when I'm finished. She can do whatever she wants then.

Okay. That's probably not gonna happen.

I will definitely find her another spot where she can build her very OWN Fairy Garden.

And I promise I won't even look at it.